Peter's Names for the Avengers, None of Which His Parents Understand
by ChickWithThePurpleGuitar
Summary: Superfamily Oneshot. When the Suitcase Suit is stolen, only Peter knows who took it. But Peter claims the culprit is someone named "Uncle Big", and NO ONE KNOWS WHO THAT IS.


**A/N: This should be really easy to write, so idk why I keep putting it off... I'm just gonna go for it.**

**So, uh, superfamily, Stony, Peter's like four. The rest should be simple enough. Enjoy and please review!**

**BTW THIS IS 100% CRACK FIC, so like, don't expect it to make sense.**

Steve's always been a light sleeper, so he knows without having to open his eyes that it's his son crawling into his bed at four in the morning, but he dares to hope that the ice cold feet kicking into his side, the bushy brown hair rubbing against his arm, and the soft little voice whispering, "Papa. Paaaaaapaaaaaaa," are all just a dream.

When Peter pulls on his sleeve and whines, "Papa, I neeeeeeeed youuuuuuuuu," Steve feels bad about it but he rolls over onto his side and murmurs, "Ask your father."

He can hear Peter pout, but counts it as a victory when the boy crawls over to the other side of the bed and whispers. "Not Papa, I need you."

Even as he's falling asleep again, that makes Steve laugh, because it seems that Tony's plea for Peter to call him Dad "like a normal kid with two gay superheroes for parents" just made Peter more insistent against it.

"Go back to sleep, Peter," Tony mutters sleepily.

Steve hears his son huff angrily and settle on the bed in between them, stubbornly crossing his arms. Steve tries to go back to sleep, choosing to believe his son is done and will let his dads get some rest.

But that's just not how Peter _is._

"Papa and Not Papa, you _got _to wake up. Uncle Big took the suitcase suit."

"_What?!"_ Steve and Tony both exclaim, immediately sitting up and staring wide-eyed at their son.

Peter grins, proud of his ability to get their attention.

"Peter, who took my suit?" Tony asks urgently.

"Uncle Big," Peter repeats.

Tony frowns in confusion at the boy for a moment, then glances at Steve, who shrugs, just as lost.

"Who?" He asks Peter again.

"_Uncle Big," _Peter insists, obviously knowing no other name for whoever he's talking about.

Tony looks over at Steve again. "It's gotta be someone on the team," he figures.

Steve nods. "Then I guess we'll have to do this the hard way."

* * *

Sure, it's four in the morning, but that doesn't stop Steve and Tony from sending Peter into each of their teammates' rooms to flop on the bed and yell "IT'S MORNING!" at the top of his lungs.

Although, they are more careful with waking Natasha, choosing to send Clint instead to bodyslam her bed, since he is less likely to get murdered.

Soon enough, all the Avengers are gathered in the kitchen, half awake but aware of the non-life-threatening urgency of the situation. Steve and Tony stand at the front of the group, Peter situated on Tony's hip, playing with his Wolverine doll (a toy Tony had been very reluctant to buy for him, when there were "perfectly good Iron Man dolls RIGHT THERE").

The Superhusbands study their teammates menacingly for a few minutes, ignoring their son's sing-songy mumbles of, "Woo woo! Slash! Slash! X-Men gonna save the day!"

After a full minute or so, Natasha rolls her eyes and snaps, "Get on with it already!" so Tony carefully puts Peter down and turns him to face the others.

"Peter, why don't you tell our friends what you told Papa and me," he says softly.

"Uncle Big took the suitcase suit," Peter announces.

"We know it was one of you," Steve threatens. "Unfortunately, Peter has new names for each of the Avengers, not one of which we understand. So unless someone wants to fess up now..."

No one says a word (except for Peter, who is now quietly singing the X-Men Animated Series theme song).

"We're just gonna go around the circle," Tony continues. "Peter, honey?"

Peter looks up from his doll. "Yes, Not Papa?"

Steve silences his teammates' snickers with a glare.

"_Who_ is _this_?" Tony asks, pointing dramatically at Clint.

Peter looks over at where his dad's pointing, then looks back at Steve and Tony. "That's Peanut Butter," he states matter-of-factly.

There's a moment's pause, and then the entire team bursts out laughing.

"Barton, do I want to know why my son calls you Peanut Butter?" Tony demands.

Clint grins. "Nope, but great job kid!" He holds out his hand to give Peter a fist bump, and Peter returns it with the fist of his doll.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Moving on. Peter, who's that's?" He gestures towards Natasha.

Peter looks over her, looks up at his parents, and then looks back, but says nothing.

Steve frowns. "Peter? Do you know who that is?"

Natasha is smirking evilly. "Oh, he knows."

"Well, she's most likely not Uncle Big anyway," Tony points out. "Let's just move on."

* * *

It continues in this manner for the next few minutes. Apparently, Peter calls Thor "AAAAAAAAAAAAH" which makes all their ears hurt for a while. By now, they've gone through all their teammates, and still haven't found the mysterious "Uncle Big," so Tony makes an executive decision to call in their sidekicks.

An hour later, they've discovered that Peter calls Pepper "Pasta", Happy "Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs", and Coulson (in his adorable four-year-old voice) "Agent Phil Coulson".

But still no Uncle Big. Still no suitcase suit. And it's five AM and everyone's exhausted.

"Come on, Peter, buddy," Tony pleads, kneeling down to reach his son's level. "Help me out here. _Who is Uncle Big?"_

Peter looks up from Wolverine and suddenly grins, pointing at the doorway behind Tony. "There he is!"

They all spin around, and Bruce Banner freezes halfway through placing the Suitcase Suit on the ground.

"Bruce?" Steve asks suspiciously. "I thought you were already headed to work."

"Yeah, well, I accidentally took Tony's suit instead of my briefcase. Sorry for the confusion. Did I... miss something...?"

Tony sighs and ruffles Peter's hair. "Nope. Nothing at all."

**A/N: So yeah, there's that. I know it's weird but I hope you liked it anyway. Please review!**


End file.
